Mess of meaning

or “ A room of one's own”, referring to V.Woolf’s work which inspired this and much more (that I’m not posting because the room would not be solely my own then anymore, would it).

The beginning the same as W.C.Williams poem, which I like (obviously), and NF also had a little something to do with how these lines got on paper.

so much depends on conversations through closed doors,

so much depends on thoughts scattered like books on the floor.

About how I behave and why I do that for,

What if I told you I don't want everything to be about me anymore.

Always with others, present and reacting,

I spent so much of my time

reassuring others I'm fine,

not cold and not bored either,

maybe sad or missing someone,

unbelievable to them that I could be neither.

I want something different, probably time,

and a place alone, where I'm not happy nor sad, just fine.

Do you know this place, where I am left alone,

Where I am honest and completely on my own?

I'm sick of self-expectations,

always eager to become everything I can be.

Unlucky me, I have about zero patience,

and I'm running nevermind that I can't see.

Rushing without knowing where to,

I need time for me and I know that's long overdue.

Things have been getting more blurry,

especially the answer to the question: Why hurry?

Why on earth is it considered okay to spent so much life on worry?

Does this have meaning? And why do I suck at being me?

What is this confusion and how can it be,

that I'm my own best and worst friend simultaneously?

I really want to go to my place, it wouldn't be lonely,

figured it would be interesting to once see,

what differences there might be,

between the I, I am for others, and the I, I am for me.

I'd be glad to drift off in my own world, only look after my own stuff,

just be okay with who I am that day,

stand on my own, be one of those who say:

they might ask me to be more, though, for me, I am enough.

It's just an idea, but maybe after some time in my place,

I can catch a real quiet moment, make sure that it stays.

Be able to wave goodbye to this restlessness all through my days.

Of course, it's not only how I think but what I think too,

it's this mess of meaning that I just got to get through.

I'm not happy nor sad, but a million things more,

I spent full days wondering why I feel this or that for.

What if I'm living a life much too fast to hold on too?

could you stay? I don't know how, but I know I need you.

Now I know this wave will pass,

and over this feeling will grow grass.

I just need some time and somewhere I'll find my place,

turn calm happy seconds into calm happy days.

And it's probably normal I have more ups and downs than I usually do,

these past months, it has really been just a lot of life that I've been through.

I'm okay with who I am today, and life is life and this is mine.

I'm still hanging on, just need my place, just need my time.

In Friendship,

Teddy Smile